there are many lessons to learn here for me
much karma that might be coming back my way
jealousy i might have caused in other women
a role i might have played in creating longing for me in men whose women were then made to feel insecure, about their men's love for them, about their own worth, about the ever present battle between attraction based on externalities, and value based on the inside.
its coming back to me now, and as i feel hurt and sad, images thoughts and memories come to mind in which i surely will have played a part in causing hurt and sadness in other women, consciously or unconsciously.
i had always thought that, since i wasnt doing anything on purpose, since was just being expressive, confident, strong, enthusiastic, lighthearted and such, i wasnt flirting or trying to seduce, that the responsibility then lies with the men - that they should keep their attraction in check; that they should consider the women they made committments to, that they should be strong and conscious of whats going on inside them, and to manage it. I didn't want to take responsibility for it, and I still don't think that would be right. To make oneself different or smaller or less enthused by life and conversation, to 'save' the other? Because I have known and felt this genuine way of mine to be attractive to some men, to then stop being genuine?
Men feel attracted to confident, strong, inspired women - yes. And there are many strong wonderful women out there that inspire flights of fancy in men without intending to do so. I know a good many of them myself - beautiful women, in & out, cream of the crop. Should we therefore stop being ourselves? No. The men are responsible for their own flights of fancy, and the consequences thereof. The men should be clear and strong and aware.
And now it happened to me.
Do I blame the girl? No, I saw it happen. She did nothing. She was simply strong and extrovert and bubbly.
But the gnawing question remains, where is karma in this?

i am sure there are also lessons for me to learn about ego, about losing ego or not letting it make an issue bigger than it is, about not letting ego rear its ugly head, and when it has already done so, not to let it keep its claws in my mood or state of mind.
letting ego go, paying it no mind, killing it by ignoring it. i know that you keep alive whatever you feed, and by feeling upset and hurt and jealous, i feed ego.
and i know thats not the way. i know better than that. but still im doing it.
how easy things are to read, to understand, to think about and recognise their truth and value, and then when it comes to applying, the more basic human behaviour takes hold, takes posessesion, despite knowing how it works, despite recognising what is going on.

a book i read while in ghana says that recognising what is going on while it happens, being cognisant of unconscious behaviour when you slip into it, that awareness is the most important bit. its the beginning of change, of coming out of unconscious behaviour to being present, conscious and aware. I am aware of it, so i hope that one day ill be able to let go of ego entirely.

and for the sadness that isnt caused by ego but rather by fear, or is it fear caused by sadness - i need another wise book. Suggestions?