Mistaking dependancy for romantic notions
Hoping at every text message received that it is from you. and then it isnt. and then i feel sad. and off I go thinking about you again - about our words, about our differences, about the current lack of understanding.
The real-life messages and their senders dont get my full attention, the Here and Now fades into the background. It's dark outside, its been raining torentially, plots on the right side of the road have water gushing out from under the gate as if pipes have broken in each basement of every house. On the left the fields are flooded, driveways are unpassable, people and cars are stuck, unable to reach their homes.
With me in the little van are three new team members that i hadnt met before today. I have all the opportunity in the world to talk to them, ask them a million things, quench my thirst for learning about all their experiences, knowing all about the project's advances, challenges and lessons.
Instead i stare out into the wet darkness, think about you who are a million miles away, and feel sad. I don't engage with what's around me - as soon as the official discussions are over, I no longer delve into knowing more about, and meaning more for, the project. I retreat into hoping for communication and enter pictures and dialogues in my head, drifting away from reality.
That's not romance, that's dependency.