diversify & conquer
involuntary tears rolling gently down my cheeks; barely noticeable.
no sensation in the rest of my being.
if it wasnt for the somewhat loaded content of the exchange, and my knowledge that it is quite something for me to reach out, to let somebody, anybody, know that all's not always ok - if i didnt know that i had reached out and that love was pouring back in, albeit in 1s and 0s, I probably wouldnt have been able to place the tears.
they felt so alien, slowly forming in the corner of my eye, slowly rolling down, as if in slow motion, gently tickling my cheeks.
no particular trigger, no pang, no pain, barely any discomfort.
but here they are nevertheless, rising to the surface, where the well is i dont know.
calling out, comforted by the response, and still too fragile to reciprocate. Dialogue? How? and what on earth to say? i want to respond just to show my appreciation, my thanks. yet i dont.
whats being asked of me? nothing un reasonable - to come out of my locked toilet cublicle, ah the ghost of mrs Augustine, and to diversify my sources of strength.
At the moment i dont feel strong at all - and, as if on cue, they well up again, those tears. obscured by hayfever-induced sneezing attacks, another distraction, stopped the water from rising.
'if you keep adding rocks soon the water will... be lost in the well, lost in the well.. mmh mmh mmh'
Is that all it takes? To admit that im not feeling strong? That im feeling weak, helpless, lonely?
Bingo - somethings rising again, but i have my guard up now. wont fall for the same trick three times.
Kamande said something about wishin i was in a'dam. i picked up on the word wishing or wish, and unleashed something bigger.

[...] and let me wish upon a star
let me know what life is like on jupiter or mars
in other words, hold my hand,
in other words, darling kiss me..

Am i singing it for me? It does make me feel good, picks up my somewhat gloomy mood. But then there's a young man crossing the street ahead, and i move outside of myself. I go back to sing the bit where i think i can make my voice sound good. My step is lighter - a singing bimbo, trying to show the world (..in the form of a single young man on an otherwise empty street..) that I'm not weak, I'm strong, look at me - I need nobody, but I'll sing my song for you, hoping you'll like me, want me, love me.
Diversify my sources of strength.
I know nothing else! And if i go out and find something new, I'll be doing it on my own. Double-edged sword that. I'll feel strong just not to feel weak. And alone.
Winter is ok. I can blame the cold, the darkness, everyone is hybernating. So should I.
In summer i cant blame the light. Nothing conducive about the long hours, the long days and the bright nights. everyone leaves the office early - my priority is the July event. Africa. Africa is my locked toilet cubicle.
Diversify my sources of strength.
I'm afraid of my strength. Of the power within me. I subdue it. I kill it. I do think so.
So Kamande feels acknowledged and loved by my song, in 1s and 0s - jus like u c me soul tanx me love tanx - there are others out there needing love and feeling disconnected?
How is it that just when a good friend, however distant in geography or in time since a last communication, feels that - that the universe conspires to make us get in touch, and leave us feeling warmer, touched, and loved.
Is that OneLove? Blessed Love?
I jest about it, but i do witness it.
I don't always acknowledge it, in fact I'm probably horribly ignorant of it most of my time - but i do witness it.

I bear witness
and yet i discredit it
I'm afraid - that control issue
I could go on.